Have you ever wanted to glimpse a Hollywood actor mid-coital without actually getting involved with them? Wanted to gaze upon Stellan Skarsgard in sweet surrender without feeling the crush of his belly on yours, or watch Willem Dafoe‘s face crinkle in pleasure as he releases a mighty spooge? Well then you’re in luck, because the just-released (pun intended) posters from the Lars Von Trier film Nymphomaniac are here, and they depict the orgasm faces of each of the film’s stars.

As a promotional tool it makes me kind of uncomfortable, because these are surprisingly lifelike faces, but as a deterrent I imagine it would work quite nicely. I already didn’t want to have sex with Shia LaBeouf, on account of him being one of the worst people ever to work with on set, according to Reddit, but now I double don’t want to, because I’ve learned that he smokes cigarettes while he makes jizzums. Everybody else is prop-free in their photos, with hair all tousled and eyes either squeezed shut or vacant, but there’s Shia, puffing away, as if it’s perfectly natural to brood, scratch your armpit, and smoke a cigarette while also achieving completion. Pass.

And while I admire Stellan’s dedication to his craft in exposing his body in all its HD glory, his poster in particular cuts just the tiiiiiniest bit too low for a puritan such as myself. I’m just one of those women who doesn’t want to see your peen cleavage on the first date. Call me a traditionalist.

And on a related note, where the hell is this movie? Shia’s been talking about it lying about having real sex in it since August 2012, so when shall it be arriving on my doorstep to make me uncomfortable in every way a movie can?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.