So I just got done with two weeks of traveling around Europe, during which time I read nothing but various leftist newspapers that my boyfriend would leave lying around our couchette as we took romantic train rides to and fro across the land. As you can imagine, the first thing I did when I got back to civilization was catch up on all the important news I missed, like what Kim Kardashian has been up to. To my extreme shock and awe, many of these things were dumb, worthless and/or otherwise utterly missable. Here are ten news items I’m not sorry I missed while visiting all of my international comrades.
Ever since I saw 28 Days Later, I’ve been irrationally terrified of zombies. The fast, ebola-spewing kind, but the slow, groaning kind to a lesser extent as well. I’m pretty sure I would have shit my pants if I’d heard about the recent spate of zombie-like attacks before the Center for Disease Control was forced to officially deny the existence of zombies to the American people. That “jokey” zombie preparedness website they put up? NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I don’t know Orville personally, but I’m pretty sure most cats would find this an undignified way to be remembered. (I realize this just happened, but WTF.)
I’m not anti-sex work in general, but everything about this story gives me the sads.
4. Something about The Hunger Games and Robert Pattinson
The only R-Patz role I care about is his upcoming turn in Cosmopolis, because only David Cronenberg and Don DeLillo put together are enough to cancel out the massive brain switch-off that occurs each time I hear mention of anything that has anything to do with Twilight.
5. Queen Latifah Refuses To Ever Come Out Of The Closet For As Long As She Lives
I know it’s her choice and all, but publicly denying one’s homosexuality despite a.) being gay, and b.) having the privilege necessary to come out without any real consequences, inevitably contributes to the idea that being gay is something to be ashamed of. Someone please explain to me how it doesn’t.
6. Zac Efron Ruins Budding Sex Appeal With Ill-Advised Mustache
Which former Disney star will I masturbate to now?! The choices are not looking good.
Not being here for this saved me from having to un-follow a lot of people on Twitter and Facebook.
8. Joan Holloway-Harris Finally Gets Paid For Sex
I cried way more during this episode than the one that came afterwards. Could Don have prevented it if he’d gotten to her sooner? More importantly, why is everyone in the world so shitty and why does everything suck so much?
9. The Kardashians Take A Huge Dump With Their Huge Asses On Biggie Smalls’ Grave
Is nothing sacred?
10. That Jay-Z And Kanye West Riot Porn Video
Just kidding, this video is fucking awesome. I’m not sure how believable Kanye is as a Molotov-hurling malcontent (wouldn’t he be in his plutonium space cave by then?) but I’ll take it, because fuck the police.